Bereavement blog

Childhood Cancer Bereavement

By Allie Neenan, PhD, LP | Last updated 4/22/26

It would be impossible to describe all of the things that bereaved parents experience after a child dies from cancer. This blog post will simply try to speak to some of the core aspects of bereavement. To learn more about resources that can help you in making sense of this new reality, please check out the full list of grief resources on Cancer Cushion.

If you haven't been here before, welcome to Cancer Cushion! Every post on this website is written by licensed clinical psychologist, Allie Neenan. Cancer Cushion is my resource library for every age, role, and stage in the childhood cancer journey. While I wish websites like this weren't necessary, I'm glad you're here.

One thing that people really don't understand about grief is how much it affects your entire body. A parent's brain is filled with neural circuits that are designed to make sure that they are the best parent possible for their child. The brain physically wires itself to remember the little details of your child: the right way to tuck them in at night, or the knowledge of their shoe size, or the way a "happy hug" feels different than a "sad hug". When a child dies, the brain has to reorganize itself on a cellular level. Your brain is still dedicated to loving your child, but the practical day-to-day tasks of caring for them are no longer available to you. The corresponding neural pathways are redesigning themselves for a new task: parenting a child who is no longer alive. The fatigue that a bereaved parent feels comes from this unbelievably massive task - and that's just the beginning.

We humans have a lot of cognitive tools that let us get through day-to-day life with an acceptable amount of mental energy. Heuristics, or automatic assumptions about consistent activities, are one of these cognitive tools. Heuristics allow us to "go through the motions" of mealtimes, getting everyone off to school or work, and making sure that everyone has what they need at home. When a child dies, all of these heuristics die along with them. Everything that you used to know that allowed you to automate decisions disappeared. The cognitive reorganization that a parent's brain undergoes during bereavement touches every single part of their life. While the structure of your brain is catching up behind the scenes, the cognitive functions demand your full attention in order to recalibrate. Of course, this adds to the exhaustion.

I would be remiss to discuss childhood cancer bereavement without addressing the emotions. Many people assume that sadness comes first, but that is not always the case. You may even notice yourself feeling afraid of the sadness, unable to touch it lest it swallow you whole. Rage, disgust, bitterness, and jealousy are all normal. There is no such thing as an "abnormal" emotion when your child dies. There also is no set cadence of emotions. You might feel angry all day. You might cycle through angry > sad > relieved > ashamed > desperate > numb in the span of five minutes.

One of the most frustrating things about childhood cancer bereavement is the fact that parents are often the ones to explain what grief support looks like. You may be the one who has to tell family and friends to keep saying your child's name. You may be the one who has to reassure people that they cannot make you sad by reminding you your child died, because you do not ever forget that they died. You are the person who has to adapt to our grief-averse world. And that just adds to the unfairness. Many parents become isolated because the extra burden of grief education is too much to carry. It is a hard enough task to keep waking up in a world where the sun has the audacity to rise without shining on your child.

Childhood Cancer Bereavement

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